Deep breath. And here it goes…
I feel so odd writing this because I’m not used to achieving. The achievement here being this website, this blog. I have almost zero experience with making my own dreams a reality. It has always felt impossible, and my dreams have always served as a fantasy to escape whatever my reality was at the time.
Sitting here typing this out my heart is racing and I feel so emotional. I literally never saw myself making this happen. I never believed in myself enough to try, and quite honestly, I have always thought, what value do my words and thoughts have? Who cares about my ideas and imagings? Why would my hopes and dreams even matter to anyone? What in me or my life holds any importance to anyone? (Except maybe like 5 people).
I have gotten to a place in my life where, while I hope there are individuals out there that will read this and be affected in some way by it, I’m not asking myself those questions anymore. I care, and that’s what matters. I have just as much right as anyone to create space for myself. Space where I can express myself. Where I can write, create, ramble and share me. The me I have always felt that I couldn’t truly be. That who I am inside had to stay inside. I don’t want to be that person anymore, the one that feels she has to hide the majority of who she is. I want to be me!!
I don’t care if who I am makes you uncomfortable. I don’t care if you dislike me. I don’t care because I have spent my life caring and in so many ways that has destroyed me and I don’t want to self-destruct anymore. So that’s that, and I know it’s heavy, but I feel like I have to express these thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to contain them any more.
And no, not all my blog posts will be like this one. I honestly hadn’t planned to write about any of this. I wanted to share how at 17 I dreamed of having a blog in my own domain. I wanted to share how once I decided to move forward with opening my small business I had fantasized about having my own site. I thought I should talk about the different features in the site and my plans for the future, but maybe I should just let you explore. There isn’t much now, but I will be adding to the site as I go along.
I had put a lot of pressure on myself to make this first blog amazing, and I had an outline I planned to follow, but I recently decided that just because this is a business it doesn’t mean that that’s all it can be. It’s mine and I can make it my own. So when I started to write I sat with myself for a few moments and wrote what I needed to write.
If you read this far. Thank you so much! This is the first time I’ve tried to write in such a long time. I’ve written Instagram posts, product description, a brief about me and I’ve journaled, but I haven’t written like this in some time and I feel really rusty. I think it’ll get easier to share and write as I go along. So stick around and watch me fumble my way through and hopefully do some growing in the process.
I invite you to sit with yourself for a few moments and leave a response with whatever comes to you. Whatever is weighing heavily. Whatever you need to express.
Yours haunted,
Cheyenne Silva
